old school

Dear Avery,

Being a mother is so very rewarding! Except when it's not. 

You are really struggling with kindergarten right now, and I am frustrated. You are the smartest, sharpest kid that I know. You ask the most imaginative questions, you are curious about everything, and you understand more, frankly, than I often think you should at this age! But you really dislike kindergarten. Your favorite part of school is the bus ride home so you can play! I don't mind that you like being home, and no one can blame you for liking playtime with Drew, our neighbor, more than writing lessons. 

I do, however, have a problem when your teacher calls me and throws around ideas like, "maybe you should take her to the pediatrician to address attention deficit issues". And I cry. All day. 

Upon further reflection (and many more tears) I can't imagine that you actually have attention issues. Here is what I can imagine- I can imagine a mom that stressed and struggled over the idea of sending you to kindergarten this year, as one of the youngest students in your class. Had you been born on time, instead of three months premature, the school district wouldn't even have allowed me to register you for kindergarten this year. But then, I told myself, I didn't want you to have to wait because I know how smart you are. Your kindergarten teacher told me at our first conference that you had passed 90% of the end-of-year requirements for kindergarten at the beginning of the school year. You know your stuff! But you don't like sitting still. You are in your own world. You hum to yourself. You get distracted just by the circus that I imagine runs three shows daily in your head. And your teacher is not pleased. 

You might have to repeat kindergarten. 

I hate hate hate hate even thinking that. But at the same time, one of the reasons I really wanted to keep you from attending school this year, as opposed to next, was that I would rather you be the oldest kid in your class than the youngest. I want you to be confident. I promised myself when I did finally decide to send you to school this year that I wouldn't be afraid to let you repeat kindergarten. 

But I am. 

I sound so wishy-washy, but I just thought I would give you this little slice of life inside of a mother's head. I love you and your sister more than anything. Would do anything for you.

Which just may have to include making your time at home more difficult with extra homework and practice sitting still and staring at walls and such. 

I hope it helps. 

Love, 

Mom

raspberries and oatmeal

Dear Girls,
You two are so very sweet most mornings, it almost breaks my heart! This morning when it was already 7:30 and I had to go into your room and turn on the light to wake Avery up so she didn't miss the bus, instead of being bleary-eyed and crabby like anyone else would be when so rudely-awoken, you both bounced out of bed smiling and sweet! There were lots of hugs and hand-squeezes and "I had a great nap!"'s and "I love you, mom!"'s and I loved every short second of it. With your halos of curly hair and sleepy eyes you two are the world's most beautiful angels. We had oatmeal and raspberries and milk for breakfast together and you both giggled as you ate.
I love watching your relationship develop! More every day you two play together- especially house. You each take turns being Mom and Baby- it's the sweetest thing ever! Especially to a pregnant mama who looks on as the world's best big sisters practice helping and caring for baby.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you for making my day. And it's only 8am.

Mom

judgment day

Dear Girls, 

Someday you are going to realize that I don't know what I am doing. And my prayer every day is this: Please don't let them hate me. Please let them know that I loved them, I worried about them, I prayed for them every step of the way. 

We are moving to Portland, Oregon in less than two weeks, and we haven't told you yet. We don't want you to worry (you are such a worrier, little Avery!). But you are starting to ask why we are packing up our belongings. I will tell you soon. 

I just want you to know that, no matter what, it's going to be okay. I am still struggling to tell myself that, but you are braver than I am by a long-shot.

It's going to be okay. 

Right?

Love, 

Mama

overprotective 101

Dear Avery, 

I have a confession to make, and it probably won't surprise you. You see, you start kindergarten in ten days. And I am freaking out. But let's get one thing clear, okay? It's not because I don't think you're smart enough/strong enough/talented enough/kind enough/whatever enough to knock the socks off of every single person down in kindergarten. That's not it at all. 

Here is my problem: kids are mean. Seriously, they are. And I know that you will make mistakes and I'm going to be here for you every step of the way. And, yes, "being there for you" does include letting you have it (it=consequences) so you can learn and grow from your mistakes.

But I'm not okay with someone messing with you or hurting you. In fact, I am so afraid for you to go to school because I am pretty sure that I will hunt down and cut any kid who makes you feel like  less than you are. 

...okay, cut might be a strong word. I would probably only just make some elaborate plan to scare them so badly that years of therapy will only begin to scratch the surface of the damage that I had done. Probably. 

Love, 

Mom

PS Do you think that, if your kindergarten teacher read this, I would be asked to abstain from helping at the class Halloween party? 

For her sake, I hope not.

shove off

Dear Girls,

Last week your cousin, Milo, was over to play. You had a great time playing dress up and coloring. When I heard Avery say, "Hey, Milo! Watch this!!" I looked up with curiosity to see what she would proudly show her cousin. When I saw her place both hands on Carter's chest and shove, I was remarkably less enthusiastic.
Be. Nice.

Love,
Mom